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Death & A Woman

 

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Death is imminent and someone could act recklessly in the event they felt death was right around the corner. In the event that I get a heads up of my last day on Earth, I hope I am in close proximity to money and a good looking man. My theories about love and relationships are 75% real life experience and 25% movie quotes. (Don’t judge me. Life imitates art all the time.)

My all time favorite movie is Moonstruck. Cher plays the main character, Loretta Castorini. She is newly engaged to her fiance, Johnny Cammareri,  who enlists her with the task of convincing his estranged brother to attend their wedding that is a month away. Long story short, Johnny leaves for Italy to visit his dying mother, and Loretta falls in love with his brother. My theory today is more about the subplot of Moonstruck which is the condition of Loretta’s parent’s marriage. Loretta lives with her family, and her Mother suspects that her husband is having an affair. When Johnny returns home early from Italy he goes searching for Loretta at her family’s house, and ends up having a conversation with her mom. Mrs. Castorini sits Johnny down and asks a question as if it were investigative research for all women, “Why do men chase women?”. Johnny replies, “When God created woman he took a rib from Adam and maybe men are searching for their missing rib.” Mrs. Castorini is frustrated by his answer, and sternly asks, “Why would a man need more than one woman?” Johnny uncertain if he’s correct says, “Maybe it’s because he fears death.” Mrs. Castorini exclaims, “That’s it!”

I don’t know how long I have linked male infidelity and death together without question like Moonstruck was some university backed case study. I mean, death does make everything more urgent, that whole “like we’ll never see each other again” bit is pretty intense and dramatic. I can see how a girl would want to capture that type of passion for a lifetime. I can also see how a man could perform under this pretense for a short period of time before realizing his death isn’t as close as he thought.

Just a few days ago I spoke with a new friend and he mentioned that he was married and that it was the worst mistake of his life. When I asked him why, he said that he never believed in contractual marriage but when he enlisted in the army he got married because he thought he might die. His reason was solid. Being married would ensure any benefits would go to his family. Still, all I could hear was, “I got married because I thought I would die.”

What’s up with that? Do men really make commitments to women when they fear death is looming near? Is marriage some symbolic death? They say marriage is the death of selfishness. Maybe the reality is that if a man hasn’t felt that intuitive moment where he has decided that he is willing to die for one woman every other comment feels like he’s suffocating.

I was flipping channels about a week ago and Baby Boy was on and I stopped to watch a few minutes. That movie is like a train wreck. I had totally forgotten about the dream sequence in the beginning where Jody sees his own funeral. Jody was totally reckless and unfaithful to Yvette for the majority of the movie and all I could think was, maybe it’s because he fears death.

I don’t know too many people who make sound decisions from a place of fear. I have male friends who have claimed they won’t get married until they’re old, which in my book is death adjacent. I think the reality is you need to find out where a man is at on his life’s journey. Having enough enlightenment to understand where a person is at on their journey takes a lot of strength. You would have to remove the emotional attachment and see your potential suitor from a neutral perspective. You may even need to analyze where you are at on your own journey to ensure that you’re both not operating in fear as a whole. Now that’s deep.

I don’t know if my argument holds any weight my death theory isn’t scientifically tested. It’s just one of my fun “isms” that I like to use as a coping mechanism. I plan on holding on to it until I hear a more compelling argument. The jury is still out on men associating women with death.

Do you have any strange theories? I would love to know if I am the only one with this crazy outlook on male and female interactions.

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe by clicking the follow button.  You can also follow me on Facebook Oh Wize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter@ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

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My Baggage Follows Me | Seriously Single

 

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Well, there’s good news and then there’s better news. Which do you want first? Well, the good news is there is a new guy in my life. Dannie B is collaborating with me to share more of his serious and single swag. The better news is that I will still be talking about being single as well so this will be a dialogue between Dannie and me. We’ll be discussing what it’s like to be a 30 something dating in the Midwest. Consider this the millennial version of the movie He Said, She Said. (Minus Kevin Bacon)  I truly hope you enjoy my friend Dannie’s point of view as much as I do because it’s always nice to hear how things look from his side.

 

First off let me say that I’m excited to be partnering with Oh Wize One on Seriously Single!!! For a limited time, I will be providing some male perspective to the awesome topics she brings you.   You don’t want to miss this opportunity to hear both male and female perspectives so be sure to tune in regularly to see what we have in store for you!

And now this month’s story:

A few days ago I attended my homegirl’s book release party for her book of poetry titled “The Art of Hurting” and the experience gave me the inspiration to write on the topic of dealing with hurt.  The concept behind the book entails living in toxic relationship and gradually building up the courage to move on, learning to work through the hurt you’ve experienced.  During the release Sunni Hutton, that’s her name, explained the feelings and events behind the select poems that she read from her book, and within her stories I found myself feeling that internal rumbling of knowing that I could relate to some of the things she was saying.

Anyone who’s ever been in a failed relationship, or a situationship, was moved by what Sunni had to offer.  One of the things that stuck out for me was the idea of needing to be happy with yourself first before you can be happy with someone else.  A part of being happy with yourself includes letting go of the emotional baggage that you drag around with you from the past.  As we all know there are thousands of memes that say this over and over but I felt compelled to write on this because I was able to see this as an entire process rather than a simple phrase that you can tell yourself just to feel better about your situation.

I experienced a relationship that I considered toxic years ago that left some lasting effects on me for nearly three years after it had ended.  Before I jump into the details let me say right off the bat that there is a stigma associated with the phrase “toxic relationship.”  When we hear it we immediately think of an evil-doing someone who was intentionally trying to be harmful to us.  However, in most cases whatever hurt was caused was not intentional.  Toxic relationships can be born out of misunderstanding each other, external forces that affect the partnership, and much more.

During this relationship I felt an indescribable tension with my former partner that began to appear after that coveted newness wore off.  A portion of that tension was related to preexisting family issues that she disclosed prior to us starting a relationship and some of it was related to our personal differences.  At the center of it all what our undefined yet opposing views on when each of us saw ourselves getting married.  She desired to be married much sooner than I did.  She made the assumption that when I said I wanted to be married that I meant before I was 25.  For me, I thought it was ok to assume that her timeline was closer to 30.  While we both had the same end goal neither of us was experienced enough to know that having the same end goal means nothing if you don’t have the same timeline for reaching it.

Being young and naive, like all of us were once upon a time, I thought our opposing ideals were manageable and that it would all make for some magical ending.  And yeah, that didn’t work out too well (#WhereBaggageBegins).  The relationship eventually came to a crashing end one gloomy day and I found myself upset that I didn’t end things when I first got the feeling to end things after an inexcusable event.  To explain it as simply as possible, she became involved with a coworker.

After the relationship ended I did everything I could to conjure up a negative image of my ex with the intention of reassuring myself that separating from her was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I couldn’t have a conversation about her with friends without saying something negative.  Given how things concluded I was justified in being angry with her,  however, I let that anger overshadow all of the good things that came from our two years together.  This eventually led to me saying less than desirable things about my ex when running down past relationship experiences with new people I would meet.

When I break down the phrase “The Art of Hurting” as it relates to my situation I think of a long, drawn-out process of trying to cope with something that I didn’t realize I needed to deal with.  I also think of trying to move past something that was hurtful without fully understanding how exactly it was hurtful to me.  It’s easy to identify a past relationship as having a degree of toxicity to it but unless you can understand the source you’ll be taking it right along with you into your next situation, even if you weren’t the source.  Looking back, I’ve learned that starting a new relationship with negative feelings about someone from your past only serves to keep you in the past and prevents the full potential of a new union from being realized.

So what helped me drop my baggage? When I realized how I was still being affected by something that happened years earlier I decided to do what I do best, write.  I decided to make a list of all the negative feelings that I had about my ex and our relationship.  This included personal traits about her and specific conflicts that we had.  One by one I went through the topics and indulged myself on why I felt the way I did.  With time I had grown to be able to better understand things from a more neutral perspective.  I realized that I had led myself to believe that all of the hurt was intentional but I was able to make peace with the fact that none of it really was.  This was one of the most liberating experiences that I’ve ever had.

Have you dealt with feelings of hurt that you’ve experienced in the past?  Are you willing to be honest with yourself about what’s hurting you so you can move forward to the relationship you really want?

To learn more about Sunni Hutton’s “The Art of Hurting” visit her website below:

www.sunnihutton.com/book/

Stay Tuned for more from Dannie B

In the mean time you can follow Dannie on Instagram and Twitter @DannieB224

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe by clicking the follow button.  You can also follow me on Facebook OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter@ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

 

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Netflix Is My Boyfriend

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Before you consider having me committed hear me out, because we might just be sharing a man. There comes a time when you have to be satisfied with being single. In my twenties, I would have conversations with women and ask them how did they prepare themselves to be in a long term relationship. They all would say, “I got happy with being single”. In all honesty, back then I thought all of my friends were liars but now I understand because I am finally content with just me, well just me and Netflix.

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Being happy with yourself doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be in a relationship it means that you will not get involved with someone for the sake of saying that you are in a relationship. Every now and then on a random Sunday evening, I wonder why am I not dating, nothing serious just some male company. When I think about how I spend my free time, I realized that I am basically sabotaging my own chances of dating. If I have a moment to spare I want to shop (hello, blogger), go to art exhibits, eat at the newest local restaurants, or go to open mic poetry. If I do see men at these places they are usually accompanying someone else. So basically the way my hobbies set up, I’m reducing the chances of meeting a single man.

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I have a full-time job, I write a blog, and I am running a business so dating isn’t a big priority for me. Most nights I am working on a project and when I finally can get myself to rest I turn on Netflix. I’m not watching Netflix like most people to binge watch a new series. I can honestly say that I habitually watch the same things over and over again. Once I am done editing a post or emailing a client I am downright delighted to watch While You Were Sleeping,  Sleepless in Seattle, or Hav Plenty.

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I could gush and tell you every sweet and hopelessly romantic moments in 90% of the movies available labeled under romantic comedy. The number of times I streamed Bridgette Jones’s Diary is shameful to a degree that I care not to describe. It’s almost to the point where if I do go out I can often drift off and think I could be at home with Netflix. I rush home to binge-watch A Different World so that I can watch Dwayne Wayne fall in love with Whitley for the 700th time. I was in bed watching An Affair to Remember for what had to be the 175th time and I thought “I think I may be in a deeper relationship with these movie characters than I realize.”

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I like the men who have been written into a script way more than the ones in real life who struggle to say something clever when introducing themselves. If a man is a little too witty that can be an indication that he’s player. There are just too many factors of uncertainty when I can just go home and lean on the dependability of Tom Hanks in the 90s. Lack of time and options has created a high level of disinterest in interacting with actual physical men.

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From reading this you could think that my expectations for a “real boy” are too high but I beg to differ. I love men in movies because they’re vocal and unafraid to make the first move, they’re thoughtful, and usually come  bearing gifts. All of those components are my love language. Netflix is also my safe space for romanticism. It’s just me and Cary Grant and there is no need to get over emotional about anything.

What can I say?  I’m busy and the thought of making the time to be at the right place at the right time so that I can meet a “real boy” seems like over exerting myself. I have spent the majority of my adult years being someone’s girlfriend and I am having fun working on me. The hour or two a week that I wish that I had a male companion is best spent watching fictional men. I’m sure at some point the universe will align and kismet will write an amazing man into my script but until then it’s just me and Netflix.

This is the start to my Seriously Single series. So expect to hear more about my adventures of being smart, busy, and single. How’s your love life? Are you dating? Let me know in the comments below because I could use some dating inspiration.

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe by clicking the follow button.  You can also follow me on Facebook OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter@ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

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How Trusting My Intuition Changed My Dating Life

 

People may judge me for this, but I love The Steve Harvey Show. My favorite segment on his show is Love Him or Leave Him. In this section of the show a woman usually expresses her relationship woes and asks should she “love her man or leave him”. It’s rare that Steve ever suggests that the women “love him.”  Steve gives great advice to the women who seek his wisdom but the interesting facet of this segment is the woman always knows whatever she is dealing with is out of line.

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It made me wonder,  why do women seek validation to leave a situation that they already know isn’t working? Women consult everyone in the process of a break up; our friends,  family, even Steve Harvey. Why don’t we listen to our intuition? If we listened to our first minds, we would save ourselves from so much anguish and wasted time.

There is nothing wrong with being willing to work through an issue.  Compromise is a prerequisite for any relationship, but to what extent? I think certain levels of forgiveness are earned. Breaking trust at the beginning of a relationship is a preview of the coming attractions which leads me to believe that the willingness to commit to a bad relationship is easier than running for the hills. After finding something that feels like it could work, the thought of being thrown back into the dating market can make you feel like working out problems that you should walk away from.

Intuition is a thing that one knows or considers. It’s an instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning. I think fear can make you distrust your intuition because it’s not always tangible evidence. Second guessing yourself can have you on the inevitable search for hard evidence that can lead to going through his phone, stalking, creeping low in the trash can watching him from a window, to name a few things.

Just like there are 8 Stages of Anger there are three stages of knowing when to walk away.

 

Recognize

Something has changed, but you just can’t put your finger on it. What you are feeling could very well be a misunderstanding. It’s your responsibility to communicate with the person you are with. If after communicating the issue or concern, the follow-up actions doesn’t match what was originally communicated, the time has come to believe what that person does and not what they say. Maya Angelou said  “when a person shows you who they are, believe them.” It is easy to always want to see the best in someone, but when you only get to deal with the worst in them, it can become very draining. People always will reveal themselves, and it is usually in an understated fashion.

Acknowledge 

A revelation always shows up like an epiphany in the mist of chaos. It hits you, he’s cheating, he’s untruthful, he’s irresponsible, and my favorite, he’s crazy. I can honestly say from personal experience I realized a persons truth early in a relationship and not just in romantic relationships.

The reality is we all have faults, and you won’t find a perfect person walking this earth. Every time you acknowledge a downfall of a person doesn’t mean that you have to immediately write them off. The problem arises when you know that flaw is a deal breaker. Women are taught to silence themselves and their needs, If someone has a toxic flaw, a woman will likely show compassion in an area where she should be demonstrating constraint.

Acceptance

If I had a dollar for every woman who knows exactly what is wrong with her relationship and/or her partner, I could quit my job and be independently wealthy. I know people who are in great relationships who can identify areas of weakness. Acceptance at the beginning of a budding relationship occurs because nobody wants to go back to being back on the dating market. You know what’s wrong in your relationship, so you lower your standards of acceptance in order to accept a quality that you don’t want to deal with.

The reality is, in relationships you have to operate on a full stomach because when you’re hungry your more prone to making a bad food choice. You don’t go into the grocery store hungry the same can be said about a relationship. You have to come into acceptance of yourself and your own downfalls before you can accept someone else’s.

The reality of the 3 stages of your intuition is they can work for you and not against you. Since coming into an understanding of these three steps I use them to my advantage. I’m much more conscious in conversation with men. When I hear a key phrase or a statement that is out of alignment of how I want to operate in life, I come into acceptance immediately.

For example, I was having a conversation with one of my male friends who I know is a renown bachelor, and he said “I love women.”   I broke down that sentence ” I- love- women” women is plural. I recognized that I never see my friend with one individual woman.  I acknowledged his use of the word “women” which is plural, and I accepted that at this time in his life he is more concerned with the enjoyment of women than he is into committing himself to one woman. Meet people where they are in life.  It makes everything easy and you don’t have to waste time over exerting unnecessary compassion for an issue that won’t change.

There is a saying, “If you throw a frog into boiling water it will immediately jump out of the pot. If you place the same frog into cool water and gradually let the water boil the frog dies”. If a man approached you all wrong from the start, you would immediately dismiss him. What if you had more time to get acclimated the fact that you are incompatible? Don’t allow a situation to get to the boiling point trying to adjust to something you don’t want.

Exercise you intuition and stop blaming outside elements for poor decision making in relationships. At some point, you have to take ownership of making bad choices and stop making them. It is that simple. You have to make the conscious effort to separate hopes from reality. You can get what you hope for but you can not get what you are hoping for from every relationship.

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Is Keeping Your Cookie in the Jar Unrealistic?

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I am on strike, and it’s nothing new. When I am single, I usually do not partake in casual sex. Honestly, it’s a bunch of effort creating a false sense of intimacy with a guy so that we can have real sex.  Creating false trust with a man is like watching sand fall through an hourglass; it’s just a matter of time before something shady goes down.

I read, Glamazon Tyomi’s article on ebony.com Sex Before Commitment or Nah? She took a poll to determine if abstinence is the path to marriage or if we are fooling ourselves. The vast majority 62.5% felt it didn’t affect their chances of a long term relationship.

I know couples who had sex on the first few dates who eventually got married. That being said, I don’t have many married friends. I think the way society is set up it doesn’t matter if you wait or sleep with someone new every night you can end up being the same amount of single.

There is no magical set of actions that will make you un-single, but what if abstinence became a filter? A way to weed out the worthy and the unworthy and the process of locating the worthy became more diligent. This concept would only be valid to ladies who desire commitment. (because I am not anti-sex in any way)

What if, the thing that is keeping you from being in a committed relationship is trying to make relationships out of great sex? People can say what they want but for women, sex can often create emotional attachments. You can say with your mouth that this isn’t serious but after you’ve been intimate with someone the lines get blurred. In all honesty, the only time sex is truly crystal clear is when it’s bad.

These are my four reasons to “Keep Your Cookie in the Jar”

Hi, have we dated?

Dating is an endangered species. I know at least three couples in real life who never went on a date until they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. Stop falling for the “Netflix and chill” it gives the man too much opportunity to get you comfortable.

Make him date you by making a suggestion for a short activity in public. You can take a walk, get an ice cream, or grab a coffee. If he isn’t down for any of your suggestions you can forget to text him back. You have your own Netflix subscription, and you can chill alone. Your cookie shouldn’t even leave it’s air tight container if you have no level of friendship and a man who won’t date you is a stranger.

5 Dates Ain’t Enough

If you are lucky enough to meet someone who will date you and take you on more than one date, rejoice. After you have done your private happy dance, don’t ease up just yet. The choice not to have sex is not malicious you want to make sure that the presenter and the man are one.

Most men know the deal and know just how long they need to be on their best behavior. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Men are not afraid to let women down when it comes to their expectations. I am not suggesting that Mr. Wonderful isn’t all that he says he is but wouldn’t it be nice to be sure.

Stop Getting into Sexuationships

If you are over the age of 25, you are too old to be friends with benefits. If you think having sex with someone and quietly keeping your feelings to yourself is healthy, grow up. Why are you giving a Section 8 Voucher to your Park Avenue penthouse?

If it’s sex, then let it be sex but don’t be friends. I understand women have needs, but potential friends with benefits just take up space. FWB is a form of settling, and you settle with bill collectors, not in relationships. Why waste time when you can keep your cookie in the jar.

Maybe I belong in the natural history museum for even suggesting to millennial women not to have sex. I just feel if you’ve had it before what’s the rush? Especially if you desire to find someone who will last beyond a moment. Sex can cloud compatibility, and a torrid affair is passionate, but it only lasts for so long. Once again I am not anti-sex keep the lines of communication open. I’m just suggesting knowing a person a little better before getting kinky.

Don’t get sad, get free!!

I read a woman’s Facebook status where she stated she wished she could un-fuck someone. My immediate first thought was to stop fucking people. That thought wasn’t judgemental it was real. If you’re not having sex you don’t have these awkward moments with men after they reveal their true selves.

You can’t control when you will meet Mr. Right. You can control what you do and do not give Mr. Wrong. Nothing feels better than that sigh of relief “Thank God, I didn’t sleep with that jerk!”

Once again, I could be the cave woman, at some point you have to ask yourself is the road to commitment one of choice or chance? Should you leave no stone left unturned? In my case, I plan on letting the rolling stones pass me by. Some heartbreak is inevitable, and some are excessive.

The beautiful sex organ is between your ears and not your legs-She’s Gotta Have It

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe by clicking the button down below! You can also follow me on Facebook OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter @ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!