My Dirty Little Secret | Seriously Single

What I’m about to admit is the adult female equivalent of sucking your thumb after infancy…
I still love my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want to get back together but he’s my favorite least favorite guy.

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What I’m about to admit is the adult female equivalent of sucking your thumb after infancy…

I still love my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want to get back together but he’s my favorite least favorite guy. By that, I mean nothing has replicated the exhilaration of experiencing him in every way. He’s like a tall tale or an urban myth I tell myself whenever I date a new guy who is lackluster or just isn’t what I want in that moment. He’s a legend, in my mind. It’s not a competition but if my ex-boyfriend was whole milk I just never adjusted to 2%. On the bright side, no one has detrimentally hurt my feelings as much either. There are pros and cons to this situation.

Back to my grown woman binky. The shame that I own for loving a guy I know I won’t ever be with is not as pitiful as it sounds, anymore. He was the perfect storm of a man. He was devastatingly handsome, it felt like we were the best of friends. and most of all it felt like he got me. We were like an inside joke that no one else got. We were like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer only in reverse. A tale of one person falling in love and the other person just going through the motions. I was stuck with memories of a failed relationship and he just moved on (and on, and, and on again).

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What is a girl to do with residual feelings after you’ve talked to all of your girlfriends one thousand times about the same guy?

At a certain point, I realized how pathetic I sounded and I decided to move on because he had done so at least four times over. They say the easiest way to get over an old guy is to get under a new one and that is a lie. It’s the biggest lie ever because when the initial thrill wears off  I revert. When the new car smell of my new love interest fades I  lay on my side and secretly suck my pacifier.

How can I expose the most real parts of me, and not be terrified? I take responsibility and acknowledge that I took part in allowing negligent, narcissistic, manipulative behavior rule of my better senses. I sold myself at the low cost of keeping him for just a little longer. I’ve sucked this pacifier for way longer than I should have because knowing that I’ve already loved someone to that extent is easier than expecting another love to eclipse what once was. While other women are writing positive affirmations in order to attract the loves of their lives with optimistic glee,  I hid in a corner with my secret bad habit.

I read a quote the other day (Yes it was on Instagram! Don’t judge me.)

“The best of you is not what you lost in the one who left, but in all the pieces they couldn’t take with them” -Pavana

For all the pieces of me that miss the guy who would kiss me until I fell asleep, talk to me until the sun came up and made me laugh, I realize those are only the good things I chose to remember. It’s  a mind manipulation of sorts.  He was a mirror reflecting back on to me showing me what I wanted to see. What I really fell in love with was the best my love had to offer and from time to time I just get sad that I can’t express myself in that way. (That and my ex-boyfriend was earth shatteringly good in bed but I digress.)

Here’s another quote:

If you sit in shit too long it stops smelling- Jennifer Lewis

Unrequited love is top heavy.  The weight is badly distributed and the relationship eventually just topples over.

It’s also toxic because you convince yourself that the more you prove your love to that person it will change how they feel about you. After a while, you just feel like vermin doomed to be exterminated. The worst part is love doesn’t just disappear. I wish it did because I carried my dirty secret for way longer than I would like to admit. After my tower of love for my ex fell I didn’t really clean up the mess, I just gathered all the pieces and just shoved them into a closet and closed the door and prayed that no one would ever notice. 

After infancy, your mom weans you from your pacifier and you have to learn to self-soothe. I’ve done my work, I’ve read books, I’ve abstained, I’ve given it up, at this point I’ve done it all. In this instance, I have to be the child and the mother and just let go of this horrible disgusting habit. This time it’s not because everyone is watching or because I found out he has another girlfriend but because I’m tired of him holding space he doesn’t actually deserve nor desires to be in. He’s not even that dude. If I was the only one in love he’s more fantasy than reality and I can fantasize about Michael B. Jordan like everyone else.

I think you keep a little bit of the love you have for people you loved that much. It’s unrealistic to think you won’t love someone after things don’t work out. Honestly loving him helped me get over him because I found that I can love him from anywhere. I can love him from my house.  I can love him and never call, never visit, never make direct eye contact. Love him and keep all of my “never ever agains” intact. I just hope that one day I meet a guy who is so dope I forget that I ever had a metaphorical mental pacifier to suck.

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe.  You can also follow me on Facebook Oh Wize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter@ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

I Don’t Like Good Morning Texts | Seriously Single

I feel like the title of my post is going to eliminate all chances of a guy texting me ever again. I’m ok with that.  It just means they didn’t read the entire blog post and I’m only interested in guys who like to scratch beyond the surface anyway. I don’t like good morning texts.  Let me be more clear, I really hate texts that only say GM. It makes me feel like I am on some guys distribution list of women that he sends salutations to in order maintain a certain level of communication, especially if we haven’t established a connection at all.

A good morning text from a guy that you have been dying to talk to is welcomed. I mean you have been anxiously awaiting communication from him, hell you’ve even had enough time to develop a crush. Under those circumstances, you may have even had a few brief encounters where you exchanged a word or two. A good morning text that derives from this situation is not what I am talking about.

Gather ‘Round I Gotta Story to Tell

By mere happenstance,  I followed some advice my best friend gave me. Which was to go where men go because the places that I like to frequent aren’t places where single men will be. My daughter’s best friend was having a birthday party at TGI Friday’s. All of the teenager’s at the party sat together and I figured it wouldn’t be cool for a mom to hang around so I decided to have a drink to soothe the uber hyper teenager I was about to have in an hours time.

I put in my order at the bar, ate, and drank by myself watching Zorn, being surprisingly entertained when I realized there were a lot of men at this bar eating alone. Most of them were watching a sporting event but alone none the less. I’m no stranger to eating alone but I’m not big on TGI Friday’s so this isn’t something that I would normally do. Just as soon as I realized that there may be hidden opportunities in mediocre dining experiences, I made eye contact with a man from across the bar and he smiled at me and I smiled back ( I mean it’s what you do when you realize you’ve made eye contact with a stranger). I immediately returned my attention to my drink then noticed he was headed straight for me.

I decided to be nice. I mean, I am writing a series about being single so I figured this would be good journalistic research. He approached me and said “I see you here all the time. ” I said, “No you don’t. I don’t come here often.” He laughs a little and then asks for my phone number. I obliged him and then he proceeded to ask me if I am single, well actually he didn’t ask am I single, he asked, “Ain’t nobody gonna be jumping out of the bushes on me, will they?” I let him know that I’m single. He said that he had just gotten off work and was having a drink and that he was interested. I laughed because, well his inflection was funny and a little forward, but I was willing to let it slide.  He said that he would text me and I said I honestly don’t text a lot but I’ll try to respond since I know you’ll be sending me a message.  We said a few more things and that was that.

The next morning I get a text from him, “Hey, did you at least lock me in?” I replied back to him and let him know that I had and that it was nice to hear from him and asked how he was. His reply, “I’m doing good BEAUTIFUL. How are you?” I said “I’m well.” His next text said “I are so BEAUTIFUL”. Although slightly redundant I thought it was a funny typo, I replied back, “Well it’s good you have high self esteem that’s a major key.” He didn’t text back for a while. I thought maybe my joke wasn’t well received. Eventually, he hit me back and let me know it was a typo.

The week went on and every morning a good morning text and every evening a good night text. Yet anytime I tried to stretch a conversation with him beyond salutations and compliments it fell on deaf ears and he returned back to his distribution list responses. I mean it was like trying to have a conversation with Tickle Me Elmo. This guy just could not get beyond his script and the funniest part was, he thought this was effective communication.

Hey, I’m no angel. I was picking up on what his was putting down. He was being robotic with the hopes of creating a generic enough level of communication to become at most a booty call. Every guy doesn’t have to be the one.  I was willing to entertain this guy or at the very least give him enough rope to hang himself so I played along. At this point, we’ve been texting for about two weeks. I’m not good at generic.  He would have been better off just asking for what he wanted. I might have said yes if I was feeling curious and generous. We graduate to phone calls  and he starts asking when will he see me again and I let him know that I was pretty swamped with work but I would be free in about a week. Finally after a week of trying to find the time to hang out I give this brother a day and a time. He gleefully agreed and seemed excited… as excited as you can be over Facebook Messenger.

The day comes and I confirmed, “Hey we are still on?” He replies, “yes we are still on”. With no more excited emojis, capital letters or exclamation points. I pretty much knew he was going to be a first hired, first fired situation and he would be terminated for a no call/no show. Just as I suspected I called maybe about an hour before to see where he wanted to meet and no answer. It was cool. It wasn’t like I was dressed or even prepared to leave my house in any way. I actually experienced a little relief.  I can’t image how bad his robotic game would have gotten over drinks.

Moral of the Story….I Still Don’t Like GM Texts

This guy didn’t know me. A hello at the bar isn’t enough for presumptuous greetings and persistent requests for meetings. If he couldn’t spark a witty conversation via text, Facebook Messenger or on the phone, this was headed nowhere anyway. This guy’s plot and character backstory were more predictable than Sanna Lathan in The Perfect Guy. It wasn’t the actual well wish of me to have a good morning it was the transparency of his end game. Oh, he did follow up with me the next day to tell me his mother was in the hospital. I just laughed and unfriended him on Facebook.  Maybe his mother was hospitalized I’m not sticking around to find out one way or the other.This guy probably has a girlfriend.

This is my second post for my series Seriously Single series. If you missed my first post in this series, be sure to check out Netflix is My Boyfriend. Expect to hear more about my adventures of being smart, busy and single. How’s your love life? Are you dating? Let me know in the comments below because I could use some dating inspiration.

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe by clicking the follow button.  You can also follow me on Facebook OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter@ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!

Netflix Is My Boyfriend

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Before you consider having me committed hear me out, because we might just be sharing a man. There comes a time when you have to be satisfied with being single. In my twenties, I would have conversations with women and ask them how did they prepare themselves to be in a long term relationship. They all would say, “I got happy with being single”. In all honesty, back then I thought all of my friends were liars but now I understand because I am finally content with just me, well just me and Netflix.

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Being happy with yourself doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be in a relationship it means that you will not get involved with someone for the sake of saying that you are in a relationship. Every now and then on a random Sunday evening, I wonder why am I not dating, nothing serious just some male company. When I think about how I spend my free time, I realized that I am basically sabotaging my own chances of dating. If I have a moment to spare I want to shop (hello, blogger), go to art exhibits, eat at the newest local restaurants, or go to open mic poetry. If I do see men at these places they are usually accompanying someone else. So basically the way my hobbies set up, I’m reducing the chances of meeting a single man.

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I have a full-time job, I write a blog, and I am running a business so dating isn’t a big priority for me. Most nights I am working on a project and when I finally can get myself to rest I turn on Netflix. I’m not watching Netflix like most people to binge watch a new series. I can honestly say that I habitually watch the same things over and over again. Once I am done editing a post or emailing a client I am downright delighted to watch While You Were Sleeping,  Sleepless in Seattle, or Hav Plenty.

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I could gush and tell you every sweet and hopelessly romantic moments in 90% of the movies available labeled under romantic comedy. The number of times I streamed Bridgette Jones’s Diary is shameful to a degree that I care not to describe. It’s almost to the point where if I do go out I can often drift off and think I could be at home with Netflix. I rush home to binge-watch A Different World so that I can watch Dwayne Wayne fall in love with Whitley for the 700th time. I was in bed watching An Affair to Remember for what had to be the 175th time and I thought “I think I may be in a deeper relationship with these movie characters than I realize.”

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I like the men who have been written into a script way more than the ones in real life who struggle to say something clever when introducing themselves. If a man is a little too witty that can be an indication that he’s player. There are just too many factors of uncertainty when I can just go home and lean on the dependability of Tom Hanks in the 90s. Lack of time and options has created a high level of disinterest in interacting with actual physical men.

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From reading this you could think that my expectations for a “real boy” are too high but I beg to differ. I love men in movies because they’re vocal and unafraid to make the first move, they’re thoughtful, and usually come  bearing gifts. All of those components are my love language. Netflix is also my safe space for romanticism. It’s just me and Cary Grant and there is no need to get over emotional about anything.

What can I say?  I’m busy and the thought of making the time to be at the right place at the right time so that I can meet a “real boy” seems like over exerting myself. I have spent the majority of my adult years being someone’s girlfriend and I am having fun working on me. The hour or two a week that I wish that I had a male companion is best spent watching fictional men. I’m sure at some point the universe will align and kismet will write an amazing man into my script but until then it’s just me and Netflix.

This is the start to my Seriously Single series. So expect to hear more about my adventures of being smart, busy, and single. How’s your love life? Are you dating? Let me know in the comments below because I could use some dating inspiration.

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe by clicking the follow button.  You can also follow me on Facebook OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter@ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!