I haven’t been on a date since I turned 30. In May, I will be 33. I’d love to be overly dramatic and say I’ve never been on a real date but I’m sure all of my ex-boyfriends would find that highly offensive. I mean a lot of guys have incredibly bad planning skills and an inability to go beyond the scope of “What do you want to do?” Like I said before I am being overly dramatic. Since I know the plot of this story I can even say I’m deflecting.
Back to the point… I haven’t been on date since I turned 30
Let’s add an asterisk to this statement and say that I am not counting any of the times I shared a meal with a booty call and or friend with benefits to create a vibe that felt less like a sexual transaction. (That may have only happened about 3 times since I’ve turned 30). I’ve been busy. I started a small business, I am a freelance writer, a stylist, and carefree Black girl trying to adult on a regular basis. I have a long list of stuff going on here.
After my last failed relationship I just wasn’t in the mood to date. When we broke up I played George Michael “Freedom” on a loudspeaker and took a victory lap around my house. I was excited to be single, to say the least. I will admit that I am a little closed off, a low key introvert, and apprehensive of strangers. I’m pretty positive that plays a factor in my slow paced dating life. Maybe I am just waiting to have a conversation with a guy and afterward think I could talk to him again.
There is a chance the time has come to get out of my comfort zone. I keep seeing memes that say everything I want is outside of my comfort zone *insert eye roll*. I’m downplaying my need to make myself more available because when I got a quiet moment alone to myself I did something unthinkable and downright stupid.
Last Saturday night would have normally been a work night for me. A night where I would have been interacting with other people and engaging in light networking. This Saturday is different I had just dropped my 16-year-old daughter off at her friend’s house. Her friend happens to live in a neighborhood that I spent a lot of my late foolish teens and miserable early twenties in. If all of George Strait’s exes live in Texas then all of mine live in this suburb. (Again with the dramatics it’s like two).
It did make me think of the guy who was sorta something like my ghetto high school sweetheart. Gosh, I loved him. He was goofy, absent minded, criminal minded, strangely endearing and at the time really cute. My ghetto high school sweetheart wasn’t a bad guy. He was just always getting arrested. He was the kind of guy where no matter how much you cared for him and tried to steer him in the right direction he was still going to pick wrong. No matter how much we cared about each other we were on different pages in two different magazines. If I was Essence he was a full years subscription to High Times. It could have never worked. I know because we tried several times. Give me a break. I was twenty. He felt like a great love of my life so we broke up and made up five or six times.
After I dropped my daughter off at her friend’s house I took the scenic route home. I drove past places where we used to kick it, I even stopped to pump myself some gas at the gas station where I frequently had to wait for him to buy a single cigarette several times a day. (He wasn’t the brightest. He was funny, cute and good at other things). It felt innocent enough. I thought about the last time he called looking for me at my mom’s house. It was just a few years ago. We always kept in touch even when he got himself arrested and jailed. Just as friends, mostly. I came home and my sister told me that he called several times and the last time she had to tell him that I didn’t live at home anymore.
I hadn’t seen or talked to him since. Something in me wanted to know where he was so when I got home I did what any normal person would do, I googled him. He had been arrested a couple of months ago. I don’t know why I wasn’t satisfied with that information but it was quite in my house, no one was bothering me asking me to take them to the mall or to cook something to eat, so I continued. I just kept internet stalking until I found myself on one of those people finder websites and I just kept plugging in information about him and the green progress bars keep going from 0 to 100 %. I just kept feeling like I was closer to an answer although at this point I don’t really remember what was in question.
At the end of all my searching, I pretty much found out what I already knew. He had been arrested a lot, an address and a phone number that may or may not have been disconnected. (I wasn’t crazy enough to call it). By the time I had come back into reality I realized that this had all gone too far. The quiet time that I had been craving had just bit me in the ass because one ride through a neighborhood just caused me to go on some deranged people search for an old friend. Especially since I know it’s better that we don’t communicate.
As busy as I’ve been, the moment I got time to myself I squandered it on nothing. On something that I already knew I could have gotten three loads of laundry done. I need to get out and be less apprehensive about strangers because I just let the past seduce me into a really ghetto episode of The Twilight Zone.
I should have felt this coming on. Just a few weeks ago I was looking for Christmas ornaments and found a box of pictures that included a picture of my ex-fiance. I remember looking at it noticing the sweatshirt he had on. It was his favorite. A few days later on my way to work, I saw him walking down the street wearing that same sweatshirt. What are the freaking odds!
All of my exes are exactly where I left them doing all of the same things they always did. Hell, I should know that because none of them have social media profiles. Nothing is going on in their lives that they can even remotely embellish upon. I mean they can’t even stunt on the ‘gram.
I’m guessing that this was a teachable moment from the universe. Well more like a toll bridge because it cost me. The universe just told me to quit looking back because nothing that you want is back there and that will be $34.50.