Death & A Woman

March 27, 2017March 27, 20172 Comments

Death is imminent and someone could act recklessly in the event they felt death was right around the corner. In the event that I get a heads up of my last day on Earth, I hope I am in close proximity to money and a good looking man. My theories about love and relationships are 75% real life experience and 25% movie quotes. (Don’t judge me. Life imitates art all the time.)

My all time favorite movie is Moonstruck. Cher plays the main character, Loretta Castorini. She is newly engaged to her fiance, Johnny Cammareri, who enlists her with the task of convincing his estranged brother to attend their wedding that is a month away. Long story short, Johnny leaves for Italy to visit his dying mother, and Loretta falls in love with his brother. My theory today is more about the subplot of Moonstruck which is the condition of Loretta’s parent’s marriage. Loretta lives with her family, and her Mother suspects that her husband is having an affair. When Johnny returns home early from Italy he goes searching for Loretta at her family’s house, and ends up having a conversation with her mom. Mrs. Castorini sits Johnny down and asks a question as if it were investigative research for all women, “Why do men chase women?”. Johnny replies, “When God created woman he took a rib from Adam and maybe men are searching for their missing rib.” Mrs. Castorini is frustrated by his answer, and sternly asks, “Why would a man need more than one woman?” Johnny uncertain if he’s correct says, “Maybe it’s because he fears death.” Mrs. Castorini exclaims, “That’s it!”

I don’t know how long I have linked male infidelity and death together without question like Moonstruck was some university backed case study. I mean, death does make everything more urgent, that whole “like we’ll never see each other again” bit is pretty intense and dramatic. I can see how a girl would want to capture that type of passion for a lifetime. I can also see how a man could perform under this pretense for a short period of time before realizing his death isn’t as close as he thought.

Just a few days ago I spoke with a new friend and he mentioned that he was married and that it was the worst mistake of his life. When I asked him why, he said that he never believed in contractual marriage but when he enlisted in the army he got married because he thought he might die. His reason was solid. Being married would ensure any benefits would go to his family. Still, all I could hear was, “I got married because I thought I would die.”

What’s up with that? Do men really make commitments to women when they fear death is looming near? Is marriage some symbolic death? They say marriage is the death of selfishness. Maybe the reality is that if a man hasn’t felt that intuitive moment where he has decided that he is willing to die for one woman every other comment feels like he’s suffocating.

I was flipping channels about a week ago and Baby Boy was on and I stopped to watch a few minutes. That movie is like a train wreck. I had totally forgotten about the dream sequence in the beginning where Jody sees his own funeral. Jody was totally reckless and unfaithful to Yvette for the majority of the movie and all I could think was, maybe it’s because he fears death.

I don’t know too many people who make sound decisions from a place of fear. I have male friends who have claimed they won’t get married until they’re old, which in my book is death adjacent. I think the reality is you need to find out where a man is at on his life’s journey. Having enough enlightenment to understand where a person is at on their journey takes a lot of strength. You would have to remove the emotional attachment and see your potential suitor from a neutral perspective. You may even need to analyze where you are at on your own journey to ensure that you’re both not operating in fear as a whole. Now that’s deep.

I don’t know if my argument holds any weight my death theory isn’t scientifically tested. It’s just one of my fun “isms” that I like to use as a coping mechanism. I plan on holding on to it until I hear a more compelling argument. The jury is still out on men associating women with death.

Do you have any strange theories? I would love to know if I am the only one with this crazy outlook on male and female interactions.

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Living Legends

March 22, 2017March 22, 20174 Comments

This past week I had the humbling honor to be a part of the second Queen B Ladies L.i.T (Legend in Technique) Ball. It was organized by my beautiful friend Januarie York, who is also a blogger you can find her at The I is Never Silent. She honored 30 women for excellence in art, humanitarianism, and sisterhood.

The ball honored black women who work extremely hard in their technique who may not have otherwise been recognized. All of this recognition was in the name of a wonderful woman Blanche “Queen B” Boone- Jackson an Indianapolis poet, friend, and all-around wonderful woman who died in 2014 from complications of a stroke. All of the proceeds from the Legend in Technique Ball went to Stroke Awareness.

I had planned to document so much more but I was just overwhelmed by the presence of tangible Black girl magic to say that I was overwhelmed was an understatement. The evening began when the DJ played Beyonce, Flawless, and it changed the entire energy of the room you could smell the confidence being passed through every woman. I thought does Beyonce know what this song does for Black women? To be in the presence of so many beautiful women that evening left such a warm and exhilarating feeling. I encountered women some of whom I knew before the ball and some that I meet for the first time who are legends in their own right. I share a connection with these legends and it created an unforgettable bond.

Photo Credit: Rana Carter

As I stood there holding my award with my peers I was overcome with emotion. I will now live with this experience forever. I will hold myself accountable for achieving my goals even more than before. I know that the possibilities are endless and that women can empower each other without malice or jealousy. We embraced our scars as a part of our beauty and we expanded our wingspan to soar to our highest potential. This moment was about more than slaying.

Jumpsuit: Eloquii, Shoes: Nine West, Clutch: Charming Charlie, Earrings: Charming Charlie

Never Say Never

March 13, 2017March 14, 2017Leave a comment

When I first saw a pair of cropped flare leg jeans showcased on one of my favorite fashion outlets Who, What, Wear I thought those will never look good on me. I love New York street style it’s so eclectic and fun but cropped jeans were outside of my comfort zone. It doesn’t take much to get me to take a risk. When I got these embroidered stack heels from JustFab I didn’t want any of the details on these cute shoes to be missed.

I wouldn’t wear these cropped jeans with flats but I love that my shoes are front and center. Although I have seen them styled with strappy flats and look very good I don’t think it would work on my body type. I’m glad that I took the risk on trying something I wouldn’t normally consider. Every now and then you just have to take the risk in the dressing room the worst than can happen is you have to put it pack on the rack.

Jeans: Old Navy, Top: Old Navy, Jacket: Forever 21, Shoes: Just Fab

My Baggage Follows Me | Seriously Single

March 7, 2017March 7, 2017Leave a comment

Well, there’s good news and then there’s better news. Which do you want first? Well, the good news is there is a new guy in my life. Dannie B is collaborating with me to share more of his serious and single swag. The better news is that I will still be talking about being single as well so this will be a dialogue between Dannie and me. We’ll be discussing what it’s like to be a 30 something dating in the Midwest. Consider this the millennial version of the movie He Said, She Said. (Minus Kevin Bacon) I truly hope you enjoy my friend Dannie’s point of view as much as I do because it’s always nice to hear how things look from his side.

First off let me say that I’m excited to be partnering with Oh Wize One on Seriously Single!!! For a limited time, I will be providing some male perspective to the awesome topics she brings you. You don’t want to miss this opportunity to hear both male and female perspectives so be sure to tune in regularly to see what we have in store for you!

And now this month’s story:

A few days ago I attended my homegirl’s book release party for her book of poetry titled “The Art of Hurting” and the experience gave me the inspiration to write on the topic of dealing with hurt. The concept behind the book entails living in toxic relationship and gradually building up the courage to move on, learning to work through the hurt you’ve experienced. During the release Sunni Hutton, that’s her name, explained the feelings and events behind the select poems that she read from her book, and within her stories I found myself feeling that internal rumbling of knowing that I could relate to some of the things she was saying.

Anyone who’s ever been in a failed relationship, or a situationship, was moved by what Sunni had to offer. One of the things that stuck out for me was the idea of needing to be happy with yourself first before you can be happy with someone else. A part of being happy with yourself includes letting go of the emotional baggage that you drag around with you from the past. As we all know there are thousands of memes that say this over and over but I felt compelled to write on this because I was able to see this as an entire process rather than a simple phrase that you can tell yourself just to feel better about your situation.

I experienced a relationship that I considered toxic years ago that left some lasting effects on me for nearly three years after it had ended. Before I jump into the details let me say right off the bat that there is a stigma associated with the phrase “toxic relationship.” When we hear it we immediately think of an evil-doing someone who was intentionally trying to be harmful to us. However, in most cases whatever hurt was caused was not intentional. Toxic relationships can be born out of misunderstanding each other, external forces that affect the partnership, and much more.

During this relationship I felt an indescribable tension with my former partner that began to appear after that coveted newness wore off. A portion of that tension was related to preexisting family issues that she disclosed prior to us starting a relationship and some of it was related to our personal differences. At the center of it all what our undefined yet opposing views on when each of us saw ourselves getting married. She desired to be married much sooner than I did. She made the assumption that when I said I wanted to be married that I meant before I was 25. For me, I thought it was ok to assume that her timeline was closer to 30. While we both had the same end goal neither of us was experienced enough to know that having the same end goal means nothing if you don’t have the same timeline for reaching it.

Being young and naive, like all of us were once upon a time, I thought our opposing ideals were manageable and that it would all make for some magical ending. And yeah, that didn’t work out too well (#WhereBaggageBegins). The relationship eventually came to a crashing end one gloomy day and I found myself upset that I didn’t end things when I first got the feeling to end things after an inexcusable event. To explain it as simply as possible, she became involved with a coworker.

After the relationship ended I did everything I could to conjure up a negative image of my ex with the intention of reassuring myself that separating from her was the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn’t have a conversation about her with friends without saying something negative. Given how things concluded I was justified in being angry with her, however, I let that anger overshadow all of the good things that came from our two years together. This eventually led to me saying less than desirable things about my ex when running down past relationship experiences with new people I would meet.

When I break down the phrase “The Art of Hurting” as it relates to my situation I think of a long, drawn-out process of trying to cope with something that I didn’t realize I needed to deal with. I also think of trying to move past something that was hurtful without fully understanding how exactly it was hurtful to me. It’s easy to identify a past relationship as having a degree of toxicity to it but unless you can understand the source you’ll be taking it right along with you into your next situation, even if you weren’t the source. Looking back, I’ve learned that starting a new relationship with negative feelings about someone from your past only serves to keep you in the past and prevents the full potential of a new union from being realized.

So what helped me drop my baggage? When I realized how I was still being affected by something that happened years earlier I decided to do what I do best, write. I decided to make a list of all the negative feelings that I had about my ex and our relationship. This included personal traits about her and specific conflicts that we had. One by one I went through the topics and indulged myself on why I felt the way I did. With time I had grown to be able to better understand things from a more neutral perspective. I realized that I had led myself to believe that all of the hurt was intentional but I was able to make peace with the fact that none of it really was. This was one of the most liberating experiences that I’ve ever had.

Have you dealt with feelings of hurt that you’ve experienced in the past? Are you willing to be honest with yourself about what’s hurting you so you can move forward to the relationship you really want?

To learn more about Sunni Hutton’s “The Art of Hurting” visit her website below:

http://www.sunnihutton.com/book/

Stay Tuned for more from Dannie B

In the mean time you can follow Dannie on Instagram and Twitter @DannieB224

For more Oh Wize One be sure to subscribe by clicking the follow button. You can also follow me on Facebook OhWize One, Instagram@ohwizeone, twitter@ohwize1. Remember to share the wisdom with friends!!