People may judge me for this, but I love The Steve Harvey Show. My favorite segment on his show is Love Him or Leave Him. In this section of the show a woman usually expresses her relationship woes and asks should she “love her man or leave him”. It’s rare that Steve ever suggests that the women “love him.” Steve gives great advice to the women who seek his wisdom but the interesting facet of this segment is the woman always knows whatever she is dealing with is out of line.
It made me wonder, why do women seek validation to leave a situation that they already know isn’t working? Women consult everyone in the process of a break up; our friends, family, even Steve Harvey. Why don’t we listen to our intuition? If we listened to our first minds, we would save ourselves from so much anguish and wasted time.
There is nothing wrong with being willing to work through an issue. Compromise is a prerequisite for any relationship, but to what extent? I think certain levels of forgiveness are earned. Breaking trust at the beginning of a relationship is a preview of the coming attractions which leads me to believe that the willingness to commit to a bad relationship is easier than running for the hills. After finding something that feels like it could work, the thought of being thrown back into the dating market can make you feel like working out problems that you should walk away from.
Intuition is a thing that one knows or considers. It’s an instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning. I think fear can make you distrust your intuition because it’s not always tangible evidence. Second guessing yourself can have you on the inevitable search for hard evidence that can lead to going through his phone, stalking, creeping low in the trash can watching him from a window, to name a few things.
Just like there are 8 Stages of Anger there are three stages of knowing when to walk away.
Recognize
Something has changed, but you just can’t put your finger on it. What you are feeling could very well be a misunderstanding. It’s your responsibility to communicate with the person you are with. If after communicating the issue or concern, the follow-up actions doesn’t match what was originally communicated, the time has come to believe what that person does and not what they say. Maya Angelou said “when a person shows you who they are, believe them.” It is easy to always want to see the best in someone, but when you only get to deal with the worst in them, it can become very draining. People always will reveal themselves, and it is usually in an understated fashion.
Acknowledge
A revelation always shows up like an epiphany in the mist of chaos. It hits you, he’s cheating, he’s untruthful, he’s irresponsible, and my favorite, he’s crazy. I can honestly say from personal experience I realized a persons truth early in a relationship and not just in romantic relationships.
The reality is we all have faults, and you won’t find a perfect person walking this earth. Every time you acknowledge a downfall of a person doesn’t mean that you have to immediately write them off. The problem arises when you know that flaw is a deal breaker. Women are taught to silence themselves and their needs, If someone has a toxic flaw, a woman will likely show compassion in an area where she should be demonstrating constraint.
Acceptance
If I had a dollar for every woman who knows exactly what is wrong with her relationship and/or her partner, I could quit my job and be independently wealthy. I know people who are in great relationships who can identify areas of weakness. Acceptance at the beginning of a budding relationship occurs because nobody wants to go back to being back on the dating market. You know what’s wrong in your relationship, so you lower your standards of acceptance in order to accept a quality that you don’t want to deal with.
The reality is, in relationships you have to operate on a full stomach because when you’re hungry your more prone to making a bad food choice. You don’t go into the grocery store hungry the same can be said about a relationship. You have to come into acceptance of yourself and your own downfalls before you can accept someone else’s.
The reality of the 3 stages of your intuition is they can work for you and not against you. Since coming into an understanding of these three steps I use them to my advantage. I’m much more conscious in conversation with men. When I hear a key phrase or a statement that is out of alignment of how I want to operate in life, I come into acceptance immediately.
For example, I was having a conversation with one of my male friends who I know is a renown bachelor, and he said “I love women.” I broke down that sentence ” I- love- women” women is plural. I recognized that I never see my friend with one individual woman. I acknowledged his use of the word “women” which is plural, and I accepted that at this time in his life he is more concerned with the enjoyment of women than he is into committing himself to one woman. Meet people where they are in life. It makes everything easy and you don’t have to waste time over exerting unnecessary compassion for an issue that won’t change.
There is a saying, “If you throw a frog into boiling water it will immediately jump out of the pot. If you place the same frog into cool water and gradually let the water boil the frog dies”. If a man approached you all wrong from the start, you would immediately dismiss him. What if you had more time to get acclimated the fact that you are incompatible? Don’t allow a situation to get to the boiling point trying to adjust to something you don’t want.
Exercise you intuition and stop blaming outside elements for poor decision making in relationships. At some point, you have to take ownership of making bad choices and stop making them. It is that simple. You have to make the conscious effort to separate hopes from reality. You can get what you hope for but you can not get what you are hoping for from every relationship.
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